Jack Handey Quotes page-9

- Think about world peace; while you’re doing that I’ll be over here stealing your stuff.

- To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

- To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

- To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

- Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a “shell” if you will. But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

- Too bad Lassie didn’t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said “Lassie, go skate for help,” she could do it.

- Too bad when I was a kid there wasn’t a guy in our class that everybody called the “Cricket Boy”, because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, “You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he’s just like everybody else.” Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I’d invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I’d have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

- Too bad you can’t just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you’d be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

- Too bad you can’t get a voodoo globe and make the world spin around really fast and freak everyone out.

- We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

- We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.

- What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?

- What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we’ll never know.

- Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn’t kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger.

- When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy.

- When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

- When I was younger, there was a house on my street that I thought was haunted. At night you’d hear screams coming from all over the house…plus anyone who went in, never came out. Later I found out it was just a murderers house.

- When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmmmmm, boy.

- When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, “No speaka English.”

- When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

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Jack Handey

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